Maybe They’re Not Help-Rejecting—Maybe You’re Not Really Listening

That Might Not Be Resistance. That Might Be Wisdom.

There’s a well-known archetype in psychology: the “help-rejecting complainer.” They vent. They struggle. They say they want support—but they push back against every solution. Therapists, coaches, and even friends often feel frustrated or shut down by these clients.

Lori Gottlieb named it in her TED Talk. And while the pattern can be real, here’s another take:

What if people aren’t rejecting help—they’re rejecting being misunderstood, pathologized, or steamrolled by someone who didn’t really get it?

In our practice, we hear it over and over again—from clients about some of their experiences with other therapists:

• “It felt like they didn’t hear me.”

• “They kept trying to fix me.”

• “They thought I was resistant, but they didn't try to understand me.”

When “Help” Is Actually Invalidation

Unsolicited advice—no matter how well-meaning—isn’t help.
And offering solutions too early often signals:

• “I don’t trust your process.”

• “I need to manage your discomfort.”

• “I’m more invested in fixing than understanding.”

When someone’s pain is met with analysis instead of attunement, their instinct to resist isn’t dysfunction—it’s protection.

Resistance Is Often Misattunement in Disguise

What gets labeled as resistance is often something else:

• A need for co-regulation before problem-solving

• A demand for mutuality, not one-way authority

• A signal that the emotional landscape hasn’t been fully mapped yet

What’s called “complaining” may actually be testing the relational container—to see if it’s strong enough to hold what’s real.

The Cost of Mislabeling

Labeling someone a “help-rejecting complainer” does more than pathologize them.
It:

• Closes curiosity

• Protects the ego of the helper

• Maintains the illusion of clinical superiority

It puts the burden on the client to “receive help better” rather than asking:

“Was the help offered in a way that honored their experience, autonomy, and pace?”

What Real Help Looks Like

• Help that listens before it offers

• Help that holds space before rushing to solve—and examines the impulse to fix. 

• Help that asks, “Would it help to hear a thought?” instead of launching into advice

•  Help that says, “I trust your timeline.” Not “You’re resistant.”

Often, the urge to jump in is more about our own anxiety than the other person’s need. Real help makes room for people to feel what they feel without interruption or urgency.

Before labeling someone as resistant or help-rejecting, pause.
Ask what they might actually be rejecting:

• Is it your help?

• Or is it the way you delivered it?

• Or is it that you offered it before they were ready?

Because in our experience, most people don’t actually reject help.
They reject hierarchy. They reject being fixed.
They reject being rushed through their own experience.

That might not be resistance. That might be wisdom.